Everyone has a story

You Make My Dreams Come True

2009-12-13T01:12:00.002+08:00

It was that night - not too long ago, but yet feels like an entire lifetime away, that I finally truly believed that could someday find love. :)

I've always been stupidly settling for 'second best' ... what I thought could grow to become love. People whom I cared for, but didn't make my heart flutter.
I'm not talking about your usual butterflies-in-your-tummy ...
I'm speaking of the burst of hope that flutters in your tummy and makes your whole body tingle. When you know in that moment, that you're in love.

I have always been searching for it ... but in all my quests, I never found it. :( As time flew by, I began to think that maybe ... maybe it just wasn't for me. Maybe what I felt with all these guys were IT ... I just didn't see it.

... all it took was one person to make me believe that I could find love. Someday. :)

"Hey, the world is ending!", he joked. "What would be the perfect way to spend your final days?"

'Getting to know you,' I almost blurted out. Almost.
My breathe caught in my throat and I thought 'okay ... thank God I didn't say that'. I stole a glance at him and I thought 'his eyes are smiling ... I'm not swooning over them or anything, but wow. He is happy, inside out. He is beautiful, inside and out.'

In this person's eyes, soul and engaging spirit ...
I knew there and then that I was capable of love. :p Unlike what I've always thought.

It was in your dark eyes that I found my ability to laugh at every nonsensical again.

I don't want to go into details, but no, there is no happy ending here. (story of my life, har har)
I'm just very happy and I feel very blessed to have an experience as precious as this. :) I'm so glad it wasn't sexual.

I guess I wouldn't want to keep in close contact with you ... because you'll always be 'too perfect' to me. You'd be the epitome of the 'happy ending' I never had.

Still, I'm happy to have met you.

Someday I'll get over this ... it's become strangely repetitive for me, how I manage to 'jump' out of things and heal pretty fast,
but you know ... just know that once upon a time, you made my dreams come true.

Timing, Fate and Chance

2009-10-27T01:02:00.004+08:00

I've been thinking about timing, fate and chance a lot.

A conversation with Veen made me remember a lot of things ...
and in turn, realized how sad I've been, as much as I've been trying to deny it.

You know,
I believe that sometimes in life ... you get just one chance with a particular person. A second chance is rare, and almost never happens.

A long time ago, he and I took a late-night drive out to town together. In the car, we talked about many things.
Life.
Love.
Money ...

I asked him about his decision to work overseas ... asides from obvious monetary reasons. Why leave? Isn't he happy here?
And he looked at me and said 'I have no reasons to stay here. Nobody to stay for.', his eyes probing into mine.

I wanted to tell him to stay for me. Me.

But I couldn't ...
how could I?
Whether or not it was important to him ... I was young, I was broke, and I was unemployed. Maybe it couldn't matter less to him or the world ... but it mattered to me.

Now I've realized that maybe ... just maybe - that night was it. That night was my "chance".

Now that I'm older, more mature (... a bit), with a business and all that jazz ... I've already missed my chance. I can't turn back time. We're beyond that now.

Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

2009-10-23T02:07:00.000+08:00

you invade dreams that I'm not very proud of :)

Chances Are

2009-10-17T22:39:00.005+08:00

I think that if I don't write about this, I'll never get it off my chest -_-

To cut a long story short, there is someone whom I miss very much. And in a twist of very fucked up events, he will sadly never know about this.

It all started almost two years ago ... amidst all the late-night talks, impulsive suppers, and parties, we developed an odd friendship of sorts.
We cared about each other a lot. Don't ask me how I know - I just do.

He was the first man in my life (after my father) who truly believed in me.
And he made sure that I knew that.
This was way before Mario, way before all the people I subsequently dated after him ...

Over time, I gradually began to forget him ... though he never completely disappeared from my thoughts.
Recently, I met him again.
And to be really honest, I can't get him off my mind. I don't even want to talk to my friends about it - he is THAT special to me, so much that I can't even speak about it.

What kills me is not the knowing that I'll eventually begin to forget him again, just as I once did. -_-
It kills me that I'll probably never see him again ... and he will never know how much he meant, and still mean, to me.

It kills me that I did not even get a chance with him. We had a 'chance', but it was impulsive, nerve-wrecking and crazy - a 'chance' that destroyed all other chances, the enormity of it was too much to bear.

With the rest ... it was different.
I had a chance with them. When we parted ways, it hurt, but at least I knew that I tried.

What did we have?
It felt like a dream.
I close my eyes and all memories, fresh and expired, both old and new, come flooding into my mind and my eyes snap open at the intensity of it all.
We never had a chance or a shot, did we? We were fundamentally too different.

But if I really did have a 'chance' ... I think that I would try very hard to make us happy.

I miss him like crazy. Knowing that I may never see him again ... I don't know how to digest it, I really don't.

I'm not ready to let go,
cause then ill never know what could be missing.
but I'm missing way too much ...
So when do i give up what I've been wishing for?

- Jason Walker - Down

I'm addicted to you

2009-10-12T00:50:00.001+08:00

I always thought that you were so infectious, contagious, and so fucking addictive. Even back then, when nothing happened between us yet.

It hasn't changed. I still think so - and I think that I probably always will.

2009-10-10T22:41:00.002+08:00

I have to literally STOP myself from dialing your number ...

to say something - to apologize? or ... ?

but I can't bring myself to do it. :( I really can't.

the idea of a relationship scares me more than the idea of being alone. Especially when I'm planning to travel more ... especially when I have no idea if I'm leaving Malaysia or not. I can't imagine having someone so important in my life - someone who mattered enough to affect the decisions that I may make ... =(

you'll never know how much I'm thinking of you, or how much I miss you.

this will be my secret :)
in some time, I'll no longer think of you ... you probably wouldn't be on my mind 24/7 like you are now -_- and will become a mere passing thought and memory from time to time.

doesn't mean that I miss you any less now. I can't stop thinking of you - your kisses, the way you held me, the way you smelled ...

=(

2009-10-09T02:05:00.003+08:00

I have trouble getting you out of my head. It's not emotional, it's not sexual, it's ...

it's you. :/

A kiss is just a kiss

2009-10-07T00:56:00.002+08:00

C called me up yesterday, which was a phone call that left me feeling mighty pleased. :) He calls me from time to time, a rare surprise that always brightens up my day ... I'm always glad to know that he still remembers me.

We used to be quite close early last year. :) We'd met through mutual friends and even though we were from vastly different worlds, we still clicked ... in our own way. Our relationship was always like that of a mentor-student ... older brother - younger sister.

Back then, nothing ever happened between us but I was very attracted to him. Tall, good looking and madly successful - he was one of those people whom I want to be. Whom I'm inspired to be.
But I was not ignorant as well ... how could I ignore this lingering tension in the air that I sometimes felt when we were together? Those glances. Caring text messages. I always brushed it aside and told myself to not be so full of myself, he does not give 2 shits about me ... not when all these women are throwing themselves at him. I'm just a girl - not even a particularly good looking one, at that. -_-

We decided to meet up again today. I've missed him a lot and I was curious.
And ... amidst the movie playing on the LCD TV in front of us, he leaned in and kissed me.

I'm not writing this to chronicle the start of something new, or a new beginning of sorts. I'm writing this to conclude a fairytale that has long since expired ... IF we ever had a story, it was supposed to be all those time ago, when I was still loyal, naive, and enthusiastic about everything.

Now, the last thing I need is more drama and complications in my life.
I don't know what it is that happened between us ... maybe it was impromptu, maybe it was the accumulated curiosity and tension that never went away over time - I just know that I can't be the "Eliza" he once knew. Not now, not anymore.

I've changed. :( It's crazy, but I want different things now. I could never look him in the eye again.

'I Gotta Feeling'

2009-10-06T02:14:00.003+08:00

This sounds really off, but it was during the Black Eyed Peas concert, when they were performing 'Where is the Love', that I realized how much I missed you.

We once had a conversation over Black Eyed Peas. Random, I know ...
We once had a conversation over everything.

It has been one year. When we broke up last year, I was devastated, but I told you and I told my friends: I'm afraid I can't find someone whom I FEEL for as much as ... you.

I remember every conversation and every detail with clarity ... Gawd, we told each other everything, didn't we? It was effortless. Being with you was effortless.
Eating junk food at night and watching DVDs till the wee hours of the morning was effortless.
Waking up beside you, nestled under layers of covers, cos we both loved cold rooms, was effortless.
Talking to you about my dreams, my family problems, and my everything was effortless.

Being with you ... felt natural. It made sense. We both loved traveling, exploring and we loved amusing ourselves with DVD nights and we laughed at everything stupid. Together.

I don't take pictures with my other boyfriends, but I still have an entire folder of our pictures in my computer. :(
Fuck man, you were the only one who made my heart tremble. Whenever you smiled at me ... my heart skipped a beat. Whenever we fought, I wanted to crawl into a hole. It was like ... you held the torch to my happiness - you know all the corny shit they say? The sun rises and sets on your face.
You had me at hello.
You make me smile.

Well ... it was like that with you.

I can't even bear to remove you from my blocked list in MSN, or my limited profile list in facebook, coz you know so much shit about me. It's weird to have someone who knows you inside out yet ... isn't quite a friend, yet isn't something more.

I never loved you, I think. And I don't still hold this torch for you ... yet, it still comes down to this: I can't find someone I FEEL for as much as I did, for you.

I remember the time I went to meet you - the first time I decided to break up with you. You were waiting for me right beside the elevator, and when the doors opened, you were there, smiling at me, and I thought 'fuck ... he looks so good'. You walked towards me and hugged me. "You're here,", you whispered.
All thoughts of breaking up with you flew out the window at that very second. -_-

Though the break-up did have to happen.
Eventually ...

But you're the first person who made me crumble, blissfully happy, delirious, and all that jazz. You know more about me than all the other men that have ever played a part in my life. You know me.

I miss the way my head could comfortably rest on your shoulder, you were so tall. I miss our DVD nights. I missed the way you always knew how to hold me when I was feeling scared ... I miss the way you understand what I mean, even when I don't say anything at all.

I miss you.

2009-09-29T01:53:00.003+08:00

I just received the news about my friend's dad passing away. Prior to that, I was angry, stressed and irritated that my laptop is now dysfunctional ... but upon hearing the news, my fingers froze and I stared at my screen, letting the news sink in.

I cannot begin to imagine what pain is he going through right now ...
I thought of my dad, and how much I love him - I love my dad in SO many inexplicable ways, he's my rock, my best friend and my everything - and I know that it is not an ounce less for this friend of mine. Another one of my good friends lost her dad 2 years ago and back then, I did not know what to say to her as well.

Words do NOT suffice. What IS there to say? I'm sorry? You'll be fine? Obligatory condolences?

I wish that I could be there for him ... in some ways, we aren't close anymore, but I STILL wish I could be there for him. Give him a hug. I'd remain silent, but I'd hope that he knew how much I feel for him and how much I (still) care.

Things have changed, but we were close once. The random hand-holdings, cuddles and that one kiss kinda messed it up a bit, but cemented the memories I have of him all the more. It's weird ... We don't spend that much time together anymore, neither do we talk that much on a regular basis, but there's still this part of my heart reserved for him and our friendship. To think that in such a short period of time, things have changed so much, and now he's going through THIS ... ?
Really?
To experience such a huge loss so early in life?
It isn't even a damned break up or some broken friendship.

I'm sorry I don't know how to be there for you in a better way.
I don't know what to say ...
If I called you ... I'd end up saying all those things other people already have said. Or I'd be completely speechless. Awkward silence and all.

I don't even want to say 'I hope that you're okay' cos how COULD someone be 'okay' going through something like this?

This is one of those moments in life where I feel completely helpless. No, I know that I'm helpless.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up :(

2009-09-28T02:07:00.002+08:00

Was looking at all the pictures in my folders, and I suddenly stumbled upon a picture that made me giggle.

Taken in April, on my birthday, when I rented a hotel room in KL for us all to par-tay at. :) Of course, this was after the alcohol. Don't ask me which one am I, wtf.

A few months back, I think that everyone would've killed me for posting this up ... but now, it just seems like such a long time ago (though it actually isn't) that it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

I feel very different now, compared to then. I breathe through different lungs, walk the earth with different feet and look at the world through different eyes. Or at least, that's how I feel.

What changed?

2009-09-24T23:46:00.003+08:00

The past month in a nutshell:

Happy times:
- that time in Zouk :))
- all the times I spent with Chris and the gang
- work! :)
- watching District 9 with Ray

Sad times:
- When John left. Cried like a bitch.
- Everytime I think of Andrew
- ...... Everytime I think of my pretty good CGPA and remember that I won't get to get my Degree and MBA. Shit man, what a freaking waste of my potential.
- the whole drama over breaking up. o_O

Lies I told:
- all the times I muttered "going out yumcha la" to my parents whenever I was out late - that wasn't exactly necessarily the case, haha!
- ... when I'm late. 'Nuff said.
- the time I told Ray that I needed to clarify things, saying that I was crying and shit. HAHA ... actually, I was happily chatting on MSN at the time, but I just REALLY needed to end things the 'right' way. His harsh reply made me cry though! >:( But oh well, it blew me back into reality, though it still wasn't a 'proper' break up.

Things that I am looking forward to:
- Black Eyed Peas tomorrow! :) Arthur's Day, baby!
- New beginnings? Singapore? Malaysia?? Whatever?
- Traveling :))))
- the future

ByeBye Baby =(

2009-09-24T17:52:00.002+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have officially decided to quit smoking.

... It comes as no surprise, considering how I pout and my heart aches everytime I have to whip out RM9 to get a packet. x_O

What I did not expect was how dependent I've become on them for the past 2 months. It's been about 6 months since I smoked, and I'd forgotten how hard it was to actually quit it. #$#$#$#%#%^%
It's been less than 48 hours and I literally have a headache now, fucking shit.

I WILL PREVAIL RAWRRRRRRR.

Girl, Interrupted

2009-09-22T02:15:00.004+08:00

I'm watching Girl, Interrupted now ... and it gives me chills up my spine - one of those movies that reminds you that the world is a fucked up place with many problems ... and it's VERY upsetting to know that there are millions of people with real problems who are genuinely suffering.

But what can we do? What can someone like me do to help?

If there is something wrong with me, I suppose it would be that I suffer from a mild case of chronic dissatisfaction.
Reading this blog post I stumbled upon hit pretty close to home.

I'm always on the go ... finding, hunting, searching, craving for new experiences, new inspirations, new muses to fill the pages of my life with.
I move on fast ... and the masochistic writer in me revisits the pain from time to time to revel in it, remember it ... and embrace it.

But happiness isn't too far away from me though ... I'm cheerful and I have a very wacky sense of humor that saves me. The laughter saves me. Love saves me.
I just pray that the person I fall in love with someday will give me time. I'm not there yet ... please wait for me. It's a bit nonsensical, but a very genuine plea.

the difference between love and like

2009-09-21T15:25:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was hands down one of the hardest days I've had to go through in a long time.

I said goodbye to John, who was leaving for UK.

I thought I'd be okay, but the minute we hugged each other goodbye, I started bawling. -_- I think I have my tears and mucus on his shoulder, wtf. He was crying, I was crying, and it was all very hard and emotional.
I kid you not ... I am prone to exaggerating but this time it was ... different. It was truly painful.

The only thing that could come close was when I had to break up with someone last year.
I figure that, well, this is the difference between like and love. If I like someone ... it hurts and I'm a bitchy drama queen, but the hurt goes away the next day. :S If I love someone ... the shock doesn't materialize unless the 'goodbye' sinks in. Then it takes you by surprise and consumes you in ways you never knew existed.

Who am I going to call whenever I lose my way in KL? (which is all the time, really)

Will all of us ever sit in the same place again, just chatting and talking about everything as usual?

Who am I going to turn to for all my dramatic love problems and who am I going to tell all my cheeky stories to?

You were the one who was always kind, sweet and warm to me.
You were the one who never judged.
You were one of my first true friends from college.
You were the one who believed in my potential and always told me you think that I'm smart.
You were the one who hugged me and let me cry on your shoulder when my first love broke my heart.
You were the one who NEVER put me down and tried to change me, you accept me for who I was, am and will be.

I just read your facebook message and I'm crying a bit again. -_- All the waiters are staring at me but I don't care.

I miss you like crazy already. I love you too - not in the 'boy-girl relationship' kinda way but in a way that's ... different. Deeper. More poignant, significant, and real. In a way that screams "You have my loyalty forever" ... in a way that stubbornly believes that even though we know things will change and we may never see each other again - we'll still beat the odds. We'll be friends no matter what.

I can't imagine pursuing a future in Malaysia ... and I can't imagine leaving for Singapore or wherever either. Because without you guys, I know that it'll be a very different journey. Maybe it'll be exciting and exhilarating ... maybe I'll meet new people that will fill the pages of my life with equal intensity - but it won't be the same. :(

I want to thank you - and Andrew, May, Elizabeth, Galriad, Suet, - and whoever that I may have missed out - for making this journey into adulthood (you know ... turning 21 and all) so much more meaningful, loving and fun.

Know that wherever we are, no matter how far we are and how the oceans and miles of distance may separate us - I'll ALWAYS be rooting for you, I'll always remember you and this is NOT a 'goodbye' ... but a promise that we will meet again. :) No matter how much the plane tickets cost.

I'm like a bird

2009-09-20T02:06:00.008+08:00

"So ...", he smirked. "You're free now."

I rolled my eyes in mock sarcasm. "Yes I am, so what?", I smirk back.

"No seriously though. You're okay?", he asked me, genuine concern plastered over his face.

"I'm okay, actually. But it was a really shitty week though. I was always guilty, shaking with confusion, and I periodically felt like crying ... Can't say that it was completely because of him, you know what I was going through - all these decisions, annoyance that he and I didn't break up the right way, and yeah .... guilt.", I muttered with a frown.

"Guilt? The Zouk thing?", he grinned.

"Oh that and .... well, I just really needed to ... be myself, and focus on walking down the road I'd always wanted, and I knew that this relationship wasn't really helping. But I wanted to be there for him ... I tried, but it just wasn't really easy. You know?" I sighed.

He laughed. "I don't get you Liz ... you're exactly the kind of person who gets what she wants. You were fascinated earlier this year over the whole dating younger men thing, and you got the experience you wanted with a younger dude just a while later. You've always talked about how you think you're bisexual, and you hooked up with two girls this year! So what if you were with a girl last Friday at Zouk? The Eliza I know would not be guilty and emo and shit over it ... she'd find it funny."

"Ahhhh", I grinned sheepishly. "See, I'm not the cheating kinda person. So it literally kills me when I confine myself, coz I don't wanna cheat. Bangkok was the first slap to my face that it wasn't going to work out ... my second Sgpore trip was the second. The third slap - the one that really confused me - was when I figured that I might look for a job in Singapore. I DON'T want to embark on this new adventure and be the person I was on my second visit to Singapore, I just don't! I barely took pictures in Bangkok and when I was in Singapore the second time - and he had no idea, based on that alone, how confined I felt!", I exclaimed, frowning again at the glass of iced milo in front of me.

"I guess ...", I mumbled. "He just doesn't know me. I guess he thinks he does, the way he talks to me, but he doesn't know ... me."

"I don't think that it's your fault, Liz." His face was serious. "I don't think it was anyone's fault. He should have known better than to try to date you for real, while you've just recently graduated and have so many ... options. You need company, someone who will travel with you and make you laugh ... not the kinda experience you had with him, I think."

"I guess you're right", I smiled weakly. "Everything ahead of me scares the shit out of me. But it's something I have to go through on my own."

++++

This conversation made me think a lot. :) And made me grateful that Ray is doing fine (I presume) and that I'm getting better as well.

I have never been one to turn down new adventures, and I don't look back with regret. :P Sigh. I just really missed my old happy adventurous touristy self ..... I remember when I was in Singapore this year, I was happy - I loved exploring the shopping malls, I excitedly walked all the way from Marina Bay till the Merlion Park coz I wanted to smell the sea breeze at night, I snapped touristy pictures at Sentosa ... I gleefully went to Rebell with no intention except to dance on my own and check out the Singaporean party scene. :D

I expected the same out of Bangkok. -_- Sighsigh. I didn't want to explore the party places on my own and make friends with cute foreigners and risk cheating on Ray, I really didn't. :(
Fuck, now that I can talk about it, I feel so much better.

It was then I realized that I couldn't date ... not until I have a grasp of where am I heading in life, I guess. I'm wild, I'm spontaneous and I have big dreams - some of which involve leaving Malaysia ... and I can't feel guilty and confused all the time while I'm at it. O_x Wtf.

I feel like a bird who's still finding the perfect place to build her nest. A wolf who hunts on her own, without a pack. :)
It's going to be very tricky ride ahead of me ... but I'm game! I'm scared, but riding on a high that comes with the thrill of a new adventure.

That 'C' Word

2009-09-18T03:36:00.003+08:00

To be honest, I've always known that I have issues. Especially when it comes to relationships -- I don't know why either, though I ponder over it. I lack the spirit and suaveness for it. I have a big commitment phobia - something I easily admitted when I was younger, but as I grew older, I learned that it's sometimes best not to say anything at all. Then maybe it will go away.

It's always like this: If I like someone, I think about being tied down, and I always chicken up and fuck things up. I don't talk to him about 'me' anymore. I keep a distance. I become clingy. I become someone I'm not.

I have never posted up pictures of me with my ex boyfriends before and I painfully admit that I have never said 'I love you' to anyone before. All these are things that "cement" the relationship ... and I've always craved and desired to be free.

I always thought that maybe it's because I've yet to meet my 'great love'. You know, the person who makes you throw all cares to the wind ... that one person who makes you lose your mind. I believe that most of us get only one shot at this kind of a crazy love, and most of us do not end up spending the rest of our lives with them.
I always knew that I have yet to meet my 'great' love.

And then ..... all the things I said and did with Ray, told me that maybe I just don't want to meet that love. Yet.
It's fucked up, it's crazy, and I was NOT 'Eliza Lee' - I could not recognize myself, and it isn't something I'd like to feel again anytime soon.

I told my friend the other day that I'd like to get a tattoo that symbolizes freedom. I told her that growing up, I always felt caged ... locked up, smothered, and never good enough. It took me every ounce of courage to break out of that, and now that I have ...

I fear the sensation of being caged; smothered ... being someone who is no big deal. Being someone who is easily brushed aside; forgotten, unmemorable.
It fucking scares me, the idea of having someone who leaves you vulnerable to all these emotions again. All these 'what-ifs'. What if I never live up to his ex girlfriend? What if I'm not good enough?
What if I'm not as sexy as her?

Ray once told me that he needs someone to calm him down.
For me, it has always been the same thing: I need someone who inspires me. I need someone who will inspire me to take risks ... and love. Be myself. Someone who doesn't judge me by my flaws, but helps me work my way through them. Someone who holds my hand when I'm trying to stop buying packets of cigarettes. Someone who understands that when I fuck things up and take two steps backwards ... it's because I'm afraid of moving two steps forward with him, because I'm not like other people - I need baby steps.

So ... I guess that's it.
The craziness had to end eventually, it was killing me and eating me out alive.
I was shaking a lil' just now ... and its weird, coz I've always been prone to anger attacks and I shake with anger - fists clenched, jaws tightened and all that jazz. But this time, it was different ... it was a confusing tremor.

I have never felt more confused, scared or lonely in my entire life. That is saying a lot, coz I was very close to loving Mario, and I know the meaning of heartache.

This was just ... confusing. The worst kind of loneliness there is, I've come to discover. I don't blame him and I don't hate myself for doing this to us ... I guess the experience, short as it was, taught me a lot.

I guess it's time for me to go back to my writing, work, scholarship applications and figuring out what's next. Singapore or Malaysia? Degree or Diploma? ... Sigh.
Isn't it ironic that in all my time I dated Ray, I did not talk to him about all these at all, even though all these things are on my mind 24/7?

Ironic. Very ironic.

2009-09-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

Smirking. ;)

Happy "I Think" Birthday

2009-09-02T14:05:00.003+08:00

This is the first time I'm actually writing here from work ...
the aircond is blasting at me and I'm freezing a lil' - Jaclyn's denim jacket helps a bit, though.

For some reason, a voice at the back of my mind tells me that it's Mario's birthday today. -_- Isn't that random?
Did we even talk about our birthdays before? Hmm ... Odd.

I'd ask him myself, but I haven't spoken to him in ages. I've never been one to stay in touch or be great friends with my ex boyfriends or flings or whatever - partially because they tend to annoy me by hitting on me or telling me bullshit after we break up - but I just find it ... weird and ultimately a bit unnecessary.

I've been known to be loyal and emo but in that sense, I can be pretty cold, I guess.
A few minutes ago, I wanted to text him, but I'd even realized that his number isn't even in my phone now that I'm using a different phone. o_O

Happy "I think" birthday, Mario.

Life is back to its usual pace now ... :) I'm still adjusting to things, taking it slow and I hope that this time could be different.

And I still keep thinking about venturing into new business endeavors ... any investors? What say you? :) I may look clumsy and ditzy on the outside, but when I work, failure is never an option. I can prove it to you, TRY ME!

Oh wait, I haven't thought of a specific idea yet. Teehee. Watch this space!

Updates: holy smokes, it IS Mario's birthday! I am GOOD. I remember how I got him an electronic massager thingamajig and an ashtray + lighter set for his birthday last year - not bad okay considering how I was jobless and broke at the time. How time flies ... and how things have changed so much in just one year. :) I think that all the changes are for the better though.

Stupid Ex Boyfriends

2009-07-22T23:45:00.002+08:00

I'm generally on pretty good terms with my ex boyfriends ... partially because I don't think I'm easy to hate (haha!) and that we could still be friends, why not?

But a few days ago, an ex boyfriend tried to make a pass at me. -____- Which greatly offends me on many levels. Dude, do you want me to copy and paste that MSN conversation to her?

And today, another ex talked to me, and he managed to seriously tick me off coz it was just plain ridiculous! Hello boy, I am not stupid. You should remember that, among all the other things you remember about me. -____-

I think that I've lost a certain amount of faith in men and relationships ... I don't know about other men, but the guys I dated almost always turned out to be complete assholes in the end. O_o
I don't even mean the regular 'check out my hot new girlfriend' kinda asshole ... I mean the 'cheats on you - sleeps around - lies to your face' kinda asshole.

Sorry if I'm cynical ... but that's just the way it is. :/

TGIWF! :) (Thank God It Was Friday)

2009-07-18T21:33:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was crazy. I had to go to work in the morning, head out to cover an event right after work at night, and then head out to Damansara - only to get lost on my way there, and finding myself at a graveyard in PJ. -_-

I took lotsa pretty pictures at the event ... But I reckon that it isn't REALLY 'mine', but the company's. :p
There are many good things about covering events - one of which is the freeflow of food and cocktails. But if there's anything more loser than taking pictures and talking to strangers alone - it's drinking alone. O_o

And then it was off to events of less glamor ... but felt closer to home. :)

Though I was tired, gross, smelly (I was out since the morning! *defensive*) and my legs were beginning to feel prickly from the lack of the day's shave WTF

But.
It was an amazing night :) Or actually, it was an amazing two days ... 'cept that the previous night, I was grouchy and sleep-deprived from work O.o

I don't know what is it about him that gets to me so much ... but I think that it's because he challenges me. He stimulates and challenges me on so many levels, be it physically, emotionally and intellectually ...
and frankly, I find it refreshing and very sexy to encounter a man who isn't scared of telling me off and putting me in place when I make mistakes. :p

baby,
we've been friends for a pretty long time ... and honestly, what we had still leaves me with both shock and awe - I mean ... really? Were those two people 'us'? I still have trouble digesting it ... but in a good way, of course. :)

I'm not sure if we'll ever have a 'defined' relationship status. I'm not sure if we're a summer fling (wtf... :( ). I'm not even sure - not quite ... of what you really feel about me. I can only make guesses :)

But the memories were worth the risk. :D You are worth the risk. I'll always remember the 17th of July, 2009.

I'm still in a state of daze, actually. It just feels a lil' surreal ... I'm sure you know what I mean.
You bring out a side in me that I never knew existed ... well, I always knew it was there, but not 'till the extend of which I am with you. O_O
I think I like it, though. :D

Thank you for everything. =)

John, this is for you

2009-07-11T18:07:00.002+08:00

john jerald. Northern Kings Rethroned says:
can I say something,
Liz says:
yes?
john jerald. Northern Kings Rethroned says:
I love you as A friend Liz
Liz says:
I know
hahahahaha
john jerald. Northern Kings Rethroned says:
Hugs

------

hahaha so random and funny.

You know John, thank you for being such a big part of my college life. :) I will always look back on my college days with fond memories of you - our talks, your endless girl issues, our friendship ...

our discovery of Waikiki :p
our early days ... back when we were very UNeligible, UNwanted and fat. :D
our secrets,
our acceptance of each other - the good, the bad and the ugly.

and the "I love you lar .... AS A FRIEND" lines.

I really do love you. (as a friend ™) :p

I wish you didn't have to leave to UK. >_O
It's going to be much less interesting without you. :(

Forgiveness

2009-07-09T16:45:00.004+08:00

I'm not good with forgiveness. Or rather, maybe I'm too good at it ... All my life, I've been blessed to be close with family and friends who overlook my flaws, and stand by me no matter what I do :)

So when it comes to forgiveness ... I have a bad habit of assuming that everything I do will go forgiven; every harm I could pull off will go forgotten. I completely overlooked the fact that sometimes I could really hurt someone ... and when that happens, that person has the right to not forgive me. That person could choose - rightfully so - to let me go.

... that's why I've been so down in the dumps for the past couple of days. I thought that someone had already given up on me and let me go. And I guess I knew that I deserved it ...

However, I can't be completely certain that it isn't out of the mere goodness of his heart or because he feels guilty and whatnot ...
but I think that this person is giving me a second chance. :)

I don't know what's going to happen to us - will we be the friends that we were again?
Would we end up fighting again, and end up really walking away from each other for good?
Will we find a happy ending (or some semblance of it) with each other?

I'm not sure ...
but I'm glad that he's giving us a chance to find out. =)

I needed you to believe in me

2009-07-08T00:01:00.000+08:00

Some time ago, there was this scene that I watched from a korean drama, First Shop of Coffee Prince ...
(yes, I watch K-dramas, shut up)

and upon watching it, tears just formed in my eyes out of nowhere. It wasn't a particularly emotional scene, and there were no deaths, or melodramatic goodbyes and whatnot ... but it struck a chord in me - I could barely contain myself.

In this scene, this man, upon finding out that the girl he loves has been lying to him, uttered words to the girl that really touched me; his hand on his chest, a hint of tears in his eyes ...

Today, more than ever, I recall that scene with a certain sense of wistfulness ... and I want to say what that actor said to that korean actress in that scene, to a certain someone. In my own words.

to whom it may concern:
I screw up a lot and maybe a lot of people think that I'm a loser. I'm not trustworthy. I'm a nobody. They may think such things of me ... and even if they may be true, I want someone who will stand by me. Someone who will go "hey ... Eliza isn't fucked up. She's just a bit lost, confused, and she just needs a bit of time." to the world who does not believe in me.

I need someone who will see me for who I really am ... and will love me not despite my flaws, but in spite of them. I want to love someone who will always see the good in me and tell me 'yes, you need to improve and change ... but I love you anyway'. I need someone who will hold my hand through the bad times and kiss me through the good times.

I don't know if I could have been that person for you.
I don't know if you could have been that person for me.

I just wish that 'goodbye's don't come so easily.

I should have said this a long time ago

2009-06-28T04:53:00.002+08:00

His name blinked on my screen, as my phone vibrated, emitting the odd fart-like sound that it usually does ...
and for a moment, I just stared at my phone in disbelief.

"Heyyyy you!", I squeaked, when I finally answered his call.
He still sounded the same. :)

Upon chatting a bit, he told me that he's in Penang ... which led me to wonder, why is everyone in Penang?? My friend who's visiting from Aust is in Penang, Mario is in Penang, he is in Penang ...

"I can't believe I haven't seen you for so long ... will you promise to visit?", I asked him, with a sheepish grin that I was glad he couldn't see through the phone.

"No ... why would I?", he said.

"Oh okay. Okay.", I squeaked again, feeling extremely foolish at this point.

"Hey, I'm joking, You're still as gullible as you always were! Of course I'll visit. I'll come to KL in July, okay?", he teased me.

... Which left a big smile on my face for the rest of the evening :)

*****

We were never romantically involved, but he was one of those guys that I could spend hours with and not run out of things to talk about ...

I was always somewhat shy, irritatingly squeaky and quiet around him, which led me to suspect, on many occasions, that I had developed feelings for him. It wasn't really hard to see why - he was very smart, successful and everything I wanted and wanted to be.

We were always very nice to each other :) I still remember all the little (and big) things he did for me. Along the way, I realized that we genuinely cared about each other - but not in the romantic sense.
It was special. :) One-of-a-kind. Or at least, that's what I thought.

He always believed in me and my dreams. I owe him SO MUCH for being my rock, my friend and most of all - my inspiration.

When he left ... a part of me felt like begging him to stay, though the bigger part of me told me not to make the stupidest mistake of my life.
Just like Mario ... just like me, he was a very free-spirited, freedom-craving soul who couldn't possibly be caged. Not yet, anyway.

I've missed him.

I'm glad that he still calls me every once in awhile ... it's always such a pleasant surprise.
I'm even more glad that he is going to visit me in July. :) :)

And I'm still trying to wipe this stupid smile off my face. ;)

Real Love =)

2009-06-24T02:29:00.003+08:00

I just walked into my house, feeling sleep-deprived, tired, excited (from watching Transformers 2 yo!) ...

My dad was watching random videos on youtube, and I was exclaiming to him, "everyone is getting sick! whyyyyy..."
and we just randomly chatted a bit. :) There was no stern questioning of my whereabouts ... no serious talks about my curfew (or the lack thereof). :)

And even though I'm in a state of daze, being sleepy until the point of feeling like my body is functioning on an auto-pilot mode ... I just knew I had to come online to write this post.

Despite our fights and sarcastic banters ... I love my dad so much, till the point that it feels that my love for him is beyond understanding and comprehension.

And it struck me today that I am who I am because of him. I may not be perfect ... but in all my imperfections, wildness and tendencies to fuck up,
I am not needy.
I'm independent and self-assured.
I never needed a man in my life to solidify my existence.

I REALLY don't mean to stereotype ... and I know that it isn't true for every case ... but as I witness the people around me, I realized that the men who are players, and the girls who are desperate / clingy / serial-daters ... more often than not, come from families with problems.
I don't mean it has to be something major like divorce, or child abuse and whatnot ... it's just, well, harsher circumstances, I suppose.

Because of my father's loyal, undying love to me ... his understanding of my free-spirited soul and above all that: his acceptance of who I am - I've been VERY lucky to not have much baggage to carry around. :)

No matter how much my heart aches when I lose a man I love ... I will always recover in time. :) Longer than most people, I guess ...
but if there is one thing I've learned from my dad's love from me over the years - it's loyalty. I don't fall in love easily ... but when I do, it's a love that lingers around.

For my dad, I know that losing me would destroy him ... and he'd probably never recover from that. :/
It's the same for me.

In all my big talks about dating only men who are worldly, wise and good-looking ...
In truth, I am still searching for someone who could grow to love me the way my dad loves me.
The way he accepts who I am ... till the way he understands my need for freedom :) yet, his trust of me remains unwavering.

How could I settle for anything less than that? And oh believe me ... those are the things that are the hardest to find.
It isn't easy for someone to completely understand me ... and it is VERY hard for man to truly accept my need for freedom and comprehend the daredevil, devil-may-care way I choose to live my life.

I just ... hope he knows that I may not say it much,
but I love him.
Maybe not in the best way anyone could love her father ... but in the best way that I know how.

Overrated

2009-06-16T22:37:00.002+08:00

I can think of so many reasons why I loved him.

It was in the way his eyes brightened up whenever I entered a room ... it was how our bodies tingled whenever our skins touched. It was in our laughter, our endless chatter long into the night, our penchant for McDs and curling up in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream.
It was in our fights - we were both very egoistic and stubborn ... yet, the warm cuddles and kisses after that always made up for it.

What we had felt like magic. Something that only came once in a lifetime ...
our relationship was like electricity to me - everytime I tentatively reached out for more, it'd strike me violently, and suddenly.
Yet, I always wanted more.

Our love was like a drug to me. He was my walking aphrodisiac; my cocaine, my green fairy. He was so vibrant, so intelligent and sexy ...

And yet, a few months down the road,
I no longer feel a single ounce of emotion for this man. In fact, he makes me feel uneasy ... I no longer melt at the sound of his voice, nor do I find his carefree and child-like antics lovable anymore.

I guess everything does change.
Either that, or I've hopelessly overestimated what we had ... perhaps it was just one of those things that will always remain to be one word: overrated.

RIP

2009-06-04T17:40:00.002+08:00

... "Fifi died. She threw up this morning and then ... well.", my mum told me, the minute I stepped into my house.

Frankly,
I don't remember what I felt when she said it.
Shock, most probably ... I dropped my camera bag and immediately slumped on the couch.

I think I sat there for ten minutes. Unmoving, unthinking ... Just wide-eyed.

God ... I cant even describe how I feel right now.
I haven't cried this badly in awhile ... and I don't think it's even called crying.
My shoulders are shaking and I'm just sobbing into my pillow as I type this ... I want to scream but logic does not permit me to do so.

I wanted to bring her to the park. I wanted to photograph her ....
She was the one thing in my life that was a constant ...
when I was alone, she'd come to me.

Whenever I'm upset, she'd run up to me ....

and now ... just like that, she's gone. Forever.

Omg Fifi, I'm not ready for you to leave me ...
I really am not.

I loved you so much. I really did.
There was so much .... so much ... that I should've done for you.

And I never did.

Now I won't have a chance to anymore.

2009-05-31T00:11:00.004+08:00

It's been a long time coming, but I've finally changed the layout.

Don't think that it's a-w-e-s-o-m-e but I think that it'll do :)

It's just less than 1 hour's worth of random designing and tweaking ... what can I expect?
I removed my hits counter too. I don't think that I care anymore, who reads this blog or not. :)

I'll be back soon!

Paradox

2009-05-29T20:20:00.000+08:00

I think that I am an irony and a paradox. :) I confuse people ... even myself, sometimes.
On some days I am happy, wild and carefree ... my eyes are bright and I feel flushed, careless and young. On those days, I feel like I could do anything ... and the world is at my feet.

On some others, my hair is disheveled, my body slumped, and when I look in the mirror, I can't even recognize myself ... why is there so much sadness in my eyes? Do people see it too, or am I the only one who realizes it? :/
On days like these, I feel so drained. I feel like I could disappear - vanish into thin air ... and nobody would even notice it.

Not feeling too good these days :( I'll be back when I feel more like myself. :)
And I need a new layout! This baby needs a makeover.

+-+-+-+-+

I'm not a fan of personal dedications on blogs ... I guess that some things ought to be said in real life :)
but when you can't find the words (and nerves) to say it in real life ... I guess blogs are a good outlet, hmm?

dad:
I know that you really love me ... seeing how you never yell at me even when I come back with a punctured tyre / scratches on the car. :) haha! Even though we always argue and we're very rude to each other ... I'll always be your little girl. And I know that you sayang me a lot.

may:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :) In the past year, you've really inspired me and showed me that there are many ways to live life, besides the way that I've always known ...
I think that PhatCulture has grown to be something that we both love a lot ... but I could never imagine doing it with anyone but you. ;)

chomel:
I still don't think that I know you that well ... but well enough to know that I've developed a soft spot for you ;)
not in that way ... but in a sense that,
I'd like you to be happy. I'd want to include you in our fun stuff. Sometimes I even think that I wouldn't mind telling you my sad stuff too.
Thank you for the text message when I was down, the MSN convo(s) and the concern (or at least making the effort to look like u care! haha :P )

H.R:
I love listening to you bitch about other people ... our random conversations are always so fun! and you never fail to cheer me up, even though we're so far apart. You're a real girlfriend ... ;) hope you won't feel emasculated, despite your macho manly man exterior!

M:
I really wish that you'd leave me alone. You'd be doing me a huge favor.

+-+-+-+-+

Tiffany

2009-05-28T19:13:00.002+08:00

"I bought her a Tiffany necklace for her birthday.", he once told me, his eyes darkening. I still remember that night - he was driving really fast, and then he suddenly pulled up at this deserted corner, and told me that he needed to talk.

"Wow. Did she like it?", I asked him.

"Well, that was two days before she broke up with me. Isn't it ironic?", he muttered, his voice filled with so much pain that I couldn't understand.

"Why didn't you just give it to her? I don't know ... I wouldn't know what to do with it if I were you.", I commented, feeling uncomfortable at his sadness. What was I supposed to do? Words would never suffice ... and yet, I could not (and should not) reach out and hold him. And tell him that everything will be okay.

"Yeah, that's the weirdest part. I can't give it to her, I can't give it to another girl ... and I can't even keep it. I can't bear to look at it. When we were together, I never thought that if we broke up, all these things like a stupid necklace would make me feel so much pain. Isn't it weird? Do you know why, Liz?", he turned to me, his eyes searching mine.

Back then, I shrugged my shoulders and muttered a nonchalant "I dunno ...". When I should have said more. I should have told him that I'd stick by him and help him get over the pain.
I should have held him.
I should have tried to make the sadness go away.
I should have asked him to stay.

It all seems so wrong now. The words "too late ..." keep on ringing in my head and I am overwhelmed by this sudden surge of emotions.

I should have never let you go.

2009-05-18T15:58:00.002+08:00

It struck me, recently, this realization that we all share a similar desire and need: we all want to be heard.

It's so obvious, isn't it?
The way some of us blog.
Our facebook statuses and MSN Shoutouts.
The clothes that we wear, or the small things we do in the name of self-expression.

... It's in the stories that we write, the songs that we compose, the pictures that we take, the enigmatic art that we paint ... :) Or, for some of us, the insatiable ambition that we've always felt our whole lives.

It all boils down to the fact that we need to be heard. We want our opinions to matter to others ... we want to express ourselves in whatever way we can, because really, not many of us are solitary creatures by nature.

As much as I'd like to think that I'm very independent, and that I don't really need anybody to survive ... I know that I'm not like that.

I need to be heard too.

Newfound Freedom :)

2009-05-13T23:56:00.004+08:00

So upon falling in love with the car, I've gone on a crazy frenzy in bringing it out whenever I can ...

It's really not an ego thing, nor is it even truly about the car, I think. :) It's a kind of freedom that I haven't tasted before ...
and everyone knows that I'm a 'freedom' junkie.

"Hey, where are you? let's go out! now! I'll come pick u up" - a 'typical' Eliza Lee SMS ... or at least, for the past few days. ;)

The other day, I was with Jaclyn, and upon returning to the parking lot, I spotted a lot of scratches on the back of the car ...

I gasped and whimpered, "Whooooooooo scratched the car?????".
I swear, I almost felt hot tears welling up in my eyes. -_-

Jaclyn took a closer look at the scratches and then smacked me. " DUDE this is not your car ... your car is THERE!!"

That's so typical of me ... *malu*

I suppose that I'll lose my "fire" for the car soon ... once it becomes a regular part of my life.

Weekend!

2009-05-11T00:40:00.005+08:00

I've been writing many random posts that end up in my drafts ... 'cause for some reason, they all seem so irrelevant or too personal.

But on another random note, I'm always very thankful for my purple, somewhat odd-looking blog :)
It's a constant in my life - it never changes. It is always here for me ...

Time and time again, I'd feel like moving to wordpress, or change my layout ... but I always brush the idea aside ;) knowing how fond I am of this place that I occasionally visit and open up my heart and soul to ...

Oh yeah, this is a perfect example of how I manage to (strangely) bond with inanimate objects.

Another example: I finally drove the Waja today ... and the minute I sat behind the wheel, and sped up the road, I fell in love.
It's kinda hard to explain how I felt very detached towards the camry, which was too posh and too pricey ... it could never truly feel like it's mine, not really.
with the Waja, it FEELS more like 'me'. :) I know that it won't take much for me to really love it.

*****

Anyway, my parents were away for the weekend and I had the apartment to myself. ;) I ended up watching endless DVDs, finished Philippa Gregory's Wideacre (interesting read! but a bit too incestuous), entertaining myself by taking stupid videos with my webcam, ironing clothes, and then there was the bazaar to attend on Saturday!

#1 - self-entertainment *averts gaze*

#2- with Fifi, who is always by my side over the years ... Sometimes I'm very mean to her, but she is always happy just to be around me. ;) Last time when I used to disappear from KL for various trips, she'd always squeal and bark like crazy when I come home, as if she's demanding for an explanation of my absence!

#3- what I look like when I'm at home

#4 - May, who stayed over ... she slept really early, while I was watching David Choi videos on youtube. haha!

The next day, John dropped by my place awhile ... and I forced him to watch David Choi videos too! :P

#5- with Sha-Lene ... we've emailed each other from time to time! and its so nice to be able to meet her in real life :)

#6 - with the best partner in the world!

#7 - with John, who always supports us by dropping by whenever we set up an offline store :)
I don't say this much, but I appreciate every little thing you've done for me!

#8 - with Sze Keong, who is SO NICE!!!
thanks for the belated birthday present :) I love you guys

#9 - Sze Keong's buddies who are very funny, and also very supportive of him and his business. :D

So there was my weekend! ;) Pretty ordinary and nothing like how the old Liz would've spent it ... but I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

***

Currently listening to: David Choi - Won't Even Start

2009-05-07T10:27:00.001+08:00

Oddest dream ever.

I wonder, how is it that I could have harbored so much love for someone that I do not know?

***

Thursday, 10 am

Tidbits

2009-05-07T01:28:00.001+08:00

On a not-so-happy note, my dad has finally decided to sell the family car to get a cheaper one ...
The upside of it is that I'd be able to drive it a lot. (s'long as I pay for the petrol, uh oh!)

But on the downside ... I've grown to really like that car. :( Its odd how I manage to form bonds and attachments with inanimate objects and places ...
Like how I missed Penang so much last year ... it felt like a part of me was missing, the minute I "lost" it.

I managed to visit Penang again though. And it just wasn't the same anymore. I suppose I miss a side of Penang that exists only in the past ...

Ah, but you know, there will be many more *new* memories with the new car, even if it isn't as smooth, pretty or as nice. :)
... And I am still hunting for my new Happy Place, the place that Penang once was ... but lost its essence along its way.

*****

Here are some pictures I've gathered from PostSecret that really moved me. I've been meaning to post it up for some time now. :)
Along with some secrets of my own ... well, if you manage to decipher 'em. ;)

My heart breaks at each and every one of these 'secrets' ... and its strangely comforting to know that somewhere out there, there are people who feel just the way I do.

#1 - I wonder, did you ever realize - or even guess - how much your lies hurt me?

#2 - I'm sorry if I have to hurt you. I'm sorry if I have to disappoint you.

#3 - I love my God, but I cannot deny that sometimes, the hatred and discrimination scares me, and all I feel like doing is to run away.

#4 - I don't know if it'll make any difference at all, but I will always be on your side, and I will always be here for you :) just like I said.

#5 - Actually, I am secretly more afraid that you WILL call ... what will I do then?

#6 - my biggest fear.

#7 - this is what I portray to the world, as if I don't give a shit about you. The truth is, I want you to be happy with her. I want you to prove me wrong.

#8 - home is where the heart is. sometimes I have no idea where is mine.

****

:(

Picture Post!

2009-05-06T02:17:00.001+08:00

I spent my night looking through old folders ...
My gawd, I almost forgot all the pictures that I randomly snap with my phone every once in awhile.
Hardly surprising, since I have an ongoing love-hate relationship with my phone. (which sounds like its constipating / shitting whenever it vibrates, I'm serious!!)

Here are a couple of random pictures from my phone and webcam. ;) In no particular order!

#1 - goofing around when I was "working"

#2- with John a.k.a best friend / partner-in-crime

#3 - Jaclyn ... with many fingers / hands. ;)

#4 - the condom dress!!! I spotted this at Go-Ssip '08!

#5 - baking at my friend's place. :) What? Don't believe that I bake?? *defensive*

#6 - when Ray visited KL! :) taken at 7am in the morning ...
he's a real buddy! very genuine, very down-to-earth.
talk soon k dude :)

#7 - May looks so pretty here! taken at Go-Ssip, PhatCulture's first offline bazaar. =) I remember not sleeping the whole night 'coz we were ironing clothes ... :(

# 8 - I don't remember taking this pic =X

#9 - All my life, I'd dreamed about the day that I'd have my first bite of Krispy Kreme ... and I'm pleased to announce that I OFFICIALLY HAVE! :D

holy smokes, the cookies and cream one was orgasmic ... I thought that I'd died and gone to heaven!
the only other times I remember falling in love with food was my first taste of Haagan Daaz's cookies and cream, and also the time I tasted these delicious cookies and cream cupcakes baked by a college mate!

yeah, doesn't take a genius to know that I love cookies and cream ... yumssss.

#10 - taken on a random morning ... after I turned on the lights and groggily went back to bed for another 10 minutes of snoozing. muka baru bangun yo!

Seriously man ... with my faded Spongebob oversized tee, my Winnie the Pooh bolster, tousled hair, no makeup ...
I must be damn hard to wake up next to! :X It's no wonder I'm single ok ... *serious sigh*

#11 - random video I found of Hajok, John and I, taken with my webcam. I think that I thought that I was snapping a picture!

Ok that's it. :)
I definitely need to start bringing my nikon around to take pictures! I barely take any actual pictures, these days.

And I'm definitely going to start video blogging! I WILL ...

I Can Relate To Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

2009-05-05T19:30:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not, what piqued my interest in this movie was not the good-looking cast, or storyline, nor is it my love for chick flicks ...

But rather, the character Matthew McConaughey plays - Connor. :)
A charming player with a history of serial dating and commitment issues ... who has no qualms to breaking many hearts, but yet, seems like a genuinely nice guy at heart.

... I can definitely think of someone who reminds me of him. :)

When I read the synopsis of the movie, my ex boyfriend instantly popped into mind - he was charming, witty, funny and yes, a ladies man with a history so complicated that I couldn't even begin to really understand it. (or perhaps, I didn't want to understand it!)

I fondly remember how I once jokingly asked him about his past, and how he winced, shrugged his shoulders, and brushed off my question with his own goofy way. :)
He was flippant, indecisive and somewhat fickle ... yet, he was also very caring, nice and a gentle guy at heart.

In time, I realized that someone like him couldn't and shouldn't be caged - not now, and not by me. I'm assuming that Jennifer Garner's character in the movie is the one woman who could really change it all for Connor - but in my reality, I was just not meant to play the same role in my ex boyfriend's life.

But you know, amidst all his flaws and straying nature, I still believe that whatever good I saw in him was real. He's confused, but he has a good heart ... And I hope that he finds his happy ending.

And that is why I'd love to watch the movie and see what kinda ending Connor gets. A happy one, I hope!
(But by the looks of it, I think that its pretty obvious that its a feel-good movie with a blissful ending.) :D

I'm sure that most of us have (or will) meet a "Connor" at least once in their lifetime.
I've met mine ... it proved to be a roller-coaster ride - thrilling, exciting and short.

But I wouldn't have traded the experience for the world. It was heartbreaking but very ... interesting and educational, to say the least.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is coming to our cinemas soon ... are you gonna watch it?
I know *I* am! *grins*

Singlehood

2009-05-04T00:03:00.001+08:00

"Maybe you need to be single for awhile.", I suggested, shrugging while sipping on a cup of milk tea.

"I don't know ... I'm just so. Angry.", she muttered under her breath, looking aghast, tired, pissed off, and confused all at the same time.

It was then that I realize that I'm not exactly the best person to come to for relationship advice ...
Because most of the time, I bluntly advice them to give it up.

But you see, I notice that a lot of my friends get themselves into relationships that are so ... unhealthy? There is always a lot of possessiveness, vulnerabilities, fights and insecurities involved.
I don't understand why would my friends - as confident, pretty and as smart as they are - would want to be caged so young. :/ I mean ... aren't relationships supposed to help you develop to be a better person and not constrain you from being the best that you can be?

I told my friends this, and two of them told me the same thing: you know, anything is better than being alone.

But I beg to differ ... I really think that being alone is a really good way to develop your potential and a great way to really understand yourself.
I have been in destructive relationships before - all the fights, craziness and insecurity ... and my gawd! At some point or other, I never felt lonelier.

Isn't it worse to feel lonely when you are with someone? Perhaps in the same room. It's one of the worst feelings in the world ... =(
I'm not saying that I wouldn't date ... but I'd much rather be single and patiently wait for someone who brings out the best in me. :) And not turn me into a crying, emotional, insecure wreck ...

But who am I to judge? As long as they're happy at the end of the day, I guess. :) I want nothing but happiness for the people I care about ...
except that I honestly don't think that they're happy. Not truly, anyway.

I suppose that we all are on a really tedious journey in finding happiness. Some of us are lucky enough to have found it early in life ...
Maybe for the rest of us, it'll take more time. And patience. And luck. ;)

I guess the bigger question is: could we manage to wait for it?
Or will we jump into one crappy relationship after another, all in the hopes of avoiding having to be alone?

Random Things

2009-05-03T19:23:00.002+08:00

So May managed to get some free passes to the Lee Hom concert that was held at Bukit Jalil yesterday ...

Of course, we were so far that I couldn't get a close shot of the man himself. :)

I was nowhere near as enthusiastic as half the girls there, though ... =X I think that May regretted bringing me, because I didn't squeal or sing along with the screaming crowd ...

"He's hot, but I wouldn't go CRAZY over him ...", I murmured to Suet.

May, upon hearing what I said, exclaimed "That's because you don't like chinese men!!!!! He's damn good looking ok ... Right Suet?!"

Whoa whoa, hold your horses ... :P
I'm just not the type to go crazyyyy over any celebrity!

But thanks May for the tickets! hee.

------

I actually have a lot of things to blog about ...
but everytime something happens, I forget about it way too quickly. o.O

I think that all the workload and lack of sleep is getting to me!

But I managed to find time to curl up in bed and read Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino ... a very disturbing and intriguing book, I must say.
The storyline is far from conventional :) and reeks of incest, pedophilia, nymphomania and prostitution ...

Nowhere near Murakami's style ... though just like most of Murakami's works, Grotesque left me feeling overwhelmed, thrilled and somewhat confused after I'd finished reading it. o.O

Phat Culture

2009-04-30T20:11:00.005+08:00

I don't like to write about things like work and other serious stuff in my blog. :)
Most of the time, I find myself sticking to writing about mushy things ... random things that I don't talk about much in real life.

But today, I'd like to blog about something very close to my heart :) and something I try very hard not to talk about too much in real life, for various personal reasons.

Lately, I guess I've been thinking about Phat Culture a lot.
How it has grown.
How it has impacted me as a person.
How it has changed May and I. (for the better? ... or worse?)

I can't help it, but a part of me feels that my life has become entwined with what started off as a small risk and part-time hobby... All the small sacrifices that I (and May) have made over the past year, all the obstacles we've had to go through, and how we evolved along with the biz. We've never been that fashion-conscious prior to this ... but now, my daily reads are NyMag and Fashionising ... waa-aaay different from what I used to read.

So at some point or other, the big question the comes:
Are all these (supposedly) small changes worth it?

I no longer spend so much time writing random stories, nor do I blog much anymore.
I no longer read as much as I used to ... so many books I collected from quaint lil' bookstores are sitting on my shelf, collecting dust.
Whatever happened to my random weekend trips? And photography?

I did not have faith that May and I would be able to make it through unscathed and unaffected ... =( when there is money involved, a lot of things are put at risk - especially ego, pride and friendship.
I was afraid that the same way our friendship blossomed through Phat Culture ... it would be the same way it'd fall. We are so different ... how could two people as different as she and I actually have an ongoing healthy partnership? o_O

... then I remind myself, gently, that all these things do not matter when you both love the same thing. :) That hard work always pays off. Failure only happens when you begin to doubt yourself ... and when you start losing faith.

If there is one good thing that I've learned from Phat Culture - it'll have to be humility. Pride always comes before a fall ... and we've had to learn it the hard way.
In whatever that you pursue ... it's always important to keep a humble heart :) and never forget your roots - who you really are.

The purpose of this post?
... To remind myself to never give up.

There will be really shitty times ... times that makes you feel worthless, drained out and you'll feel like it isn't worth the pain, time and effort.
But if you really believe in it ... and if you really work for it, it will be worth it.

We'll be fine, yea? Me, with my wild nature and crazy tendencies, along with my contradictory geeky side that adores books and gaming ...
And you with your knack for numbers, organized nature and strange Lee Hom obsession.

Nothing has to change. =)

today :)

2009-04-28T20:24:00.001+08:00

A very long time ago, there was this moment ... this memory that I look back on with much fondness.
It was then that I found myself speechless - my heart pounding like crazy, my cheeks blushing furiously ... because of three words.

'I love you.'

I was very naive, young and innocent at the time ... I was caught off guard, because even though I had no idea whether this person really meant it or not, it was still the first time a boy - no, a man - said those words to me.

A lot of time has passed since that day ... but I think that I'll carry that memory along with me forever :)

Some years ago, it was on this day that we laughed, talked, kissed under the covers and watched stupid movies together. Remember how I appeared on your doorstep with a hastily-wrapped, girly-looking present?

Some years later, a lot of things have changed, and we have both almost lost touch ... yet, it doesn't mean that I don't still wish that I could see you today. =)

Happy birthday, you.

Free

2009-04-26T02:12:00.001+08:00

Today, I want to blog about freedom. And self-realization.

I've always had freedom, as far as I can remember ... I suppose I'm blessed to have parents who let me make my own decisions for my whole life. As kids, Jaclyn and I would cycle around town for hours - through stormy weather, dogs chasing us, and muddy roads. Even then, I'd loved the taste of freedom ...

The wind blowing in my hair, speeding into the sunset with no destination in mind, stopping excitedly only when there's an ice cream man ...
Those things made me feel free and truly happy when I was 8 :) and it isn't that different now, actually.

But I have a sister who grew up knowing no boundaries to freedom ... she was wild, zany and very free-spirited. I always looked up to her, but knew that she wasn't one to be caged ...
I thought that I'd be different.

I'd have a stable education, good career prospects, a loving relationship ... and of course, I'd be in Malaysia to take care of my parents. I thought that I'd be married by 27 ... and maybe even be a mum at 28.
I convinced myself that it was what I should aim for ... a stable life, not endless adventures, unending journeys and wild nights.

I owe it to my parents to be normal. Or at least, normal in society's standards.

But I always knew that I was wired slightly different ... The older I grow, the more I smile at the prospect of adventure. I am at my happiest when I'm on my own ... traveling, people-watching, and talking to enigmatic strangers. I feel a thrill - bliss, actually ... when I'm truly free.
I've always been very individualistic ... I've always had my own opinions and always stood true to who I am. I've always been somewhat rebellious. :)

I've been trying to subdue that wild, fiery part of me ... I've been trying to convince myself that it's better to be quiet, analytical and emo. To do what my parents would want me to do. Which is, merely, to live a very normal and charmingly simple life.

But I just know that I can't cage myself anymore. :( I've been suffocating myself ... trying to contain all these recklessness, impulsiveness and sensuality that is, essentially, me.
I never believed that sensuality is the same as promiscuity ... yet, I allowed myself to fear judgment. I told myself that I should conform to societal norms ... because that's the only way I'll ever be truly happy.

You know what? That's bullshit.

I think that true happiness comes when you're at peace with yourself. :) When you love the person that you are ...

I'm not hurting anyone by loving freedom and adventures, am I? :)

So I will only do things that I love from now on. I want to be who I really am ... instead of feeling guilty over sins that I haven't even committed yet. -_-

Someday, I'd like to be able to be in a position to tell kids and youths that it's okay to be different ... with passion, love and a zest for life, you can be successful and happy too. :) It doesn't matter what your friends, parents and teachers tell you ... You don't have to conform to their beliefs if you don't believe in the same things.

At the end of the day, we write our own stories. I hope that my story has a happy ending ... though I'm sure that it will be a very intriguing and interesting one. ;)

Meant To Be?

2009-04-18T20:05:00.000+08:00

"Maybe they are meant to be together. Maybe they'll work it out.", he mused.

I narrowed my eyes and shook my head. "You don't understand Caleb*(not his real name) ... he is so free-spirited. He's born to be free, never caged. He craves solitude a lot - he's at his happiest when he's single, you know? If he could, he'd spend everyday on a hillside cafe, or by the beach, with a bottle of beer ... enjoying how women blushed when he smiled at them. He could never settle down, it's too much to ask of someone like him."

"What if he loves her?", he asked me, his eyes curious as he watched me.

"I don't think that he has ever TRULY loved anyone ...", I frowned. "He is just who he is. That was part of his magnetism, I think ... women could never resist him, and found the idea of being 'The One' for him challenging and intriguing. What they do not know is that I don't think that he could ever fall deeply in love and settle down with just one person forever."

"But love can change all that though. Wouldn't you change for someone who loved you enough to stick by you through thick and thin, and who would never give you up?", he raised his eyebrows at me with a lop-sided smile.

"I don't know ...", I replied honestly. "I don't know if I could. I would never ask anyone to change for me, you know? That's why I could never be with someone like Caleb ... I would rather walk away, 'cause I just don't believe that I could ever change him."

"Maybe ..." he hesitated. "Maybe you didn't love him enough. You weren't The One who would stick by him through everything. Maybe this girl is. Who knows? Maybe they were meant to be together ..."

*****

I pondered long and hard about this, and I suppose that he's right. I don't think that I've ever loved anyone enough ... Not even him. :/

For the first time ever, I am actually happy for him. And her. Maybe they really will be happy together ... who knows, huh?

Quickie Updates

2009-04-16T20:05:00.000+08:00

I've been having crazy insomnia attacks lately, which means I've been VERY sleep-deprived. @_@ Eye bags and dark circles, yo!

What I sorely lack in the looks department, I make up for it with my personality and wit ok (HAHAAHAHAA jk!)

Groggily dragged my butt out of bed the other day to get ready to go out ... but when I looked into the mirror - lo and behold! *grim face*
And then snapped some pictures for memories' sake. :P Will really have to start sleeping regularly again. *grimace*

------

I've been having really terrible luck lately ... seeing how klutzy and absent-minded I am, it's no mystery why I'm always getting into all sorts of trouble. But this week it's been exceptionally bad!

Of course, the worst thing would be the tragic fact that my internet connection is down 'cos everyone in my family forgot to pay the bills ... :(

"WHO DIDN'T PAY THE INTERNET BILL?!?!? Oh crap!!" I exclaimed upon finding that my internet is barred.
I then proceeded to rush out of the house to camp at the Old Town Cafe near my place. :) I've been camping out in delis / Old Towns for a few days now ... at least, until my internet is back. =(

I'm SO reliant on the internet, it isn't even funny anymore. :( *panics*

But my bank account IS quite largely dependent on the internet for now. It's quite a weird feeling, but whenever I'm cut off from the internet, I always feel my pockets getting lighter ... figuratively speaking.

------

I have this nasty big bruise on my back that I have NO idea HOW it got there! :( For the past few days, I've been twisting my arms and reaching backwards to massage and smack the bruise ever so often ...
which must be a funny sight, I think. :P

When my friend asked me why on earth am I pulling such stunts in public, I stared at her sadly and whined "blueeee black on my backboneee ..."

"Yo ... what extreme nighttime activities have you been up to??", she laughed.

-_- ... Right. :(

Two-One

2009-04-15T03:53:00.005+08:00

So my birthday came and went :) I didn't really expect myself to enjoy it though, for a number of reasons, despite it being my 21st birthday and all ...
but I did. :)

Ironically, my 20th birthday was spent in a club - dancing the night away without a care in the world , with a bunch of crazy people and even an ex boyfriend... while my 21st was celebrated on a more low-key mode.

21 thn ... haha!

More pictures in my facebook, ya'll.

I love my friends :) I'm pretty lucky to have really supportive friends ... and in times like these, I appreciate them even more. ;) Thanks guys! For everything.

-----------

I've been pretty stressed and busy lately ... I always seem to have a never-ending list of unfinished tasks and incomplete work ... hence, the inevitable neglect of P.Culture. :( Guilty, guilty ... *shifty eyes*

I've also been craving solitude a lot. :) Oddly enough, even though I'm always camping out in random Old Town Cafes and lil' delis ... I'm rarely alone. There'll always be someone who'd drop by, or a friend who has nothing else to do. Of which, I do appreciate the company, of course! :D

But its time for some serious me-time. I have SO much things to figure out, I don't even know where to start!

-----------

I passed by this somewhat deserted park today. There was this rusty lil' garden swing there, and I couldn't resist sitting on it a lil' while ...
ah, the way the rusty ole' thing creaked. :) It was nice ... the evening breeze in my face, with Howie Day's Collide playing on my earphones.

As I was gently swinging back and forth, you popped up in my mind. Are you doing good, wherever you are?
Do you remember how Collide was playing on the radio when we had that awkward conversation in the car? :) I do ... I still remember every bit of that conversation.

I miss you a lot, you know? A lot of things have changed. I have changed. I suppose that you have changed too ... but I guess I'll never find that out for myself. Hastily-written cards, withered petals, and memories are all that I have left of you.

But that's okay though. :) It was inevitable that our friendship would never be the same again. I just want you to know that at all the randomest of times, like when I'm in a park, or watching a movie alone ... I still think about you. =)

Hello Stranger

2009-04-09T23:00:00.001+08:00

There he was, standing in a corner, looking as frustrated as I felt ... his tousled hair, furrowed eyebrows, defeated posture and sad eyes. Those eyes ...

He looked up and for a few moments, our eyes locked. I eyed him very curiously ... what was he so sad about? Are you hurting? Lonely? Did someone disappoint you? Would you tell me if I asked?

Nevertheless, we are strangers. I quickly looked away and walked past him.

But 20 seconds later, I couldn't help but to turn around, and to my surprise, he turned around too. We locked eyes again and this time, he smiled a bit, as I raised my eyebrows.

It was like a scene from the movies ... so awkward, yet serendipitous. :)

I finally tore my eyes away and continued walking though :)
but I couldn't help but wonder about this stranger with the sad eyes. And all the people I have crossed paths with - or have yet to cross paths with ... or almost crossed paths with, but they somehow slipped by me ...

"Like a shooting star to where you are ...
Are we too late am I too soon?"

Feeling Purple :)

2009-04-09T01:29:00.004+08:00

I've been listening to a lot of indonesian songs lately ... it kinda scares me how Ungu in particular manages to capture my emotions and feelings so well :)

The wave of emotions I'm feeling may not be about anyone in particular ... (or is it?)
but if I were to write a song, it'd be an exact replica of Ungu's Kekasih Gelapku and Cinta Dalam Hati.

I could really cry when I listen to 'em. :( Sigh ... or maybe I already have. :P
and it has been like that for almost a week now. I am addicted. I can't live without my daily dose of Ungu. And emo indonesian music. :)

... but it doesn't help to have "understanding" friends. hahaha.

But in all seriousness ... I WOULD date an indonesian if I like him okay!!! Race ... what's race? *blinks*

Where is my paradise?

2009-04-08T01:55:00.011+08:00

I've always liked living life on the edge :) I am at my happiest when I doing something random ... stuff that reminds me that life doesn't have to be so intense all the time. ;) It doesn't have to be dangerous or really crazy - it just has to be something random. :)

Things that make me happy:

Dancing / singing my night away without a care in the world. :D

... Speeding into the sunset on a jet ski :) only to fall into the middle of the ocean ;) ... all while not knowing how to swim.

Taking pretty pictures of my pretty friends.

... taking pictures of strangers :)

... having people take weird pictures of myself

... The occasional camwhoring with my mum and dad whom I love very much, but I don't know how to say it to them ... :(

... coming across stunning sunsets :)

... falling in love with love, over and over again

... speeding on the road with my dad grumbling at the passenger seat. :P

... Cuddles! Hugs. Eating ice cream alone on a crowded street. :) McD!

... Reading an amazing book like The Time Traveler's wife or Wicked, to end up feeling like your life will never be the same again. :)

... occasional baking sessions =] which result in cookies that taste like Chipsmore HAHAH but nevertheless loving it enough to finish all the cookies in a day ...

***

*wooo* Happy thoughts! :) I got into a pretty bad argument with someone and I finally realized that everything is behind me ... *phew*
Isn't it weird how a sarcastic argument can lead into closure? I am just so tired. :( I won't carry this baggage around anymore.

All I want is to be happy. It can't be that hard. :) Let's try to be happy, okay?

"Ku Mencintaimu, Lebih Dari Apa Pun..."

2009-04-07T15:25:00.001+08:00

I woke up at 8am even though I'd only slept at 5 ... :(

I am in class now, finding it hard to concentrate (as usual?). :P Jaclyn is beside me now and we've been secretly looking at the pictures in my computer while the lecture is going on ... :)

"That really was the happiest time of your life huh?", she commented, upon looking at some pictures.

=((((((( Okay, I shall stop here and not elaborate further on this subject. Heh.

I've deleted my previous post 'cos it wouldn't be very nice if people manage to figure out who I was writing about. And in all seriousness, I suppose it wouldn't be hard for some people to figure it out :)

***

What's your biggest fear?

My biggest fear is having someone you love leaving you. I don't just mean boyfriends / girlfriends or that kinda love ... It hurts just as bad when someone you care about walks away from you.

Abandonment ... the word sends chills down my spine. :/ People tell me that I'm really hard to get to know and that people think that I'm arrogant, but I just have grown accustomed to building really strong walls around myself :( and ultimately, my heart.

I've always tried my best to be loyal to my loves ... be it friends, relationships, family or whatever. But sometimes they leave without a word, a sign, nor a sound.

I'd rather be alone and wistful, than to be in love and then abandoned. Nevertheless, I hope that I don't turn into one of those people who protect themselves so well ... always pushing friendship and any chance of love away.

I can't help but think to myself: how many chances of love have I pushed away by now? Just because I'm vulnerable and I put on a facade that I don't need anyone to survive ...
I wonder if I missed out on anything.

Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I'd whisk my laptop and a good book out with me, and I'd just travel around and roam the streets, until I find a nice cafe with wi-fi. I always watch people with curiosity ... and when I am in a place where there are other people - for just a second, I'd feel less lonely :)

I do need people in my life. I know that ... Who would I be without my family and friends?
I just need to learn how to let people get to know the 'real' me, instead of putting up all these walls and masks just to protect myself from the pain of abandonment. But how do you do that?

Mr. Manager

2009-04-06T17:54:00.000+08:00

On Saturday, I managed to meet up with Rodrick for awhile in Pavilion. :) I was celebrating my "birthday" with a bunch of friends, and he happened to be in the area, so we arranged to see each other. Though it was brief, I was really glad to see him - I hadn't seen him in more than a year!

I don't deny that it was pretty awkward, though... our conversation didn't "flow" like how it used to and our friendliness was not as natural anymore. :( I mean, this dude and I used to tease each other and gossip about everything all the time!
I still remember our friendship with much fondness :) he was one of the reasons why I loved being a barista back then.

us in 2007 - I look kinda bad here haha

Sigh ... I still remember how much I cried on my last day of work in Starbucks. And all the times I had to work the morning shift and end up coming late, and Rodrick would marah me.

I'd love to have more time to catch up with him, but he's going back to Miri today ... :(
I do hope to see him someday soon ... :D

Nevertheless, I am really glad that I met him on Saturday ... even though it was just for a few minutes. :)

So Today We'll Talk About The Aftermath

2009-04-05T16:07:00.001+08:00

I've only just realized how affected I am by my previous relationship ... its kinda odd how these things can impact you in the littlest and yet most significant of ways.

I guess these things are never easy to handle ... When it first happened the pain was like a blow to my face - it was sharp, excruciating and instant. As time goes by, you start to forget the pain, but the aftermath of it is subtle, silent and unconscious.

Every once in awhile, I'd still wake up from a sad dream, and instantly reach for my phone to send him a frantic text message, only to remember that I can't do that anymore. Sometimes I'd hear a laughter, or smell a scent, and remember him ... all these small things like the way he laughs, smells and the way he mumbles in his sleep so cutely. I sometimes wish I could have another one of our Saturday DVD afternoons, when we'd just cuddle in front of the TV and talk for hours.
But all these things will never happen anymore.

So the hardest thing is the transitional period ... the adapting to a life without him. It's been some time now, and for the past couple of months, I've tried to engross myself in other things that are more important (or so I tell myself) and have done some things that are quite out-of-character. I assure myself that I am now free :) I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to. I no longer owe anyone my loyalty.

But despite that, I've turned down many opportunities to go clubbing, and when people ask me out, I almost always automatically say no. :/ I just don't feel like I want that anymore.
On the other hand, I've been pushing myself to have fun ... to be happy, even if the happiness is temporary. I've also done things that are sort of out-of-character like drinking a lot at some occasions and acting crazy, flirting around a bit, and such ... though I've always tried to not cross some lines.

I've become a very contradictory person ... :( That's what happens when you're adapting, and you don't really know what you want, I suppose. The confusion, dilemmas and regret ... It's scary and intimidating. The whole experience has made me really angry, bitter and weary about the whole idea of liking someone again ...

These days, when people ask me if I am dating someone, I always reply with a grimace and a curt "NO. Not planning to anytime soon anyway..."
It also does not help that within the whole 'healing' process ... my friends' relationships aren't exactly normal, or happy. o_O So the mere idea of starting anything serious really scares me.

Today during lunch, I told Suet that if my ex boyfriend dares to come near me with his new girlfriend, I will not hesitate to slap him. She widened her eyes and told me that it's time to let it go ... it's not my place to make such comments anymore.
Well, I guess she's right. It's going to sound pretty unbelievable - but I guess I'm quite a loyal person ... it takes a lot for me to actually genuinely like someone, but if I do, I go all out for that person.

It's pretty hard for me to find the right words to say this, but I guess, to put it simply: I am sorry if I haven't really been myself for the past few months. I do realize that I am not really the same person anymore. I am changing ... :) and yes, I will really try to let this affect me for the better and not the worse. I'll try not to be so cynical and bitter ... and also, try to regain faith in some things that I gave up on.

Downtime

2009-04-01T22:46:00.002+08:00

There's something up with my broadband tonight ... I can't connect to MSN, nor can I connect to gmail, facebook, flickr, etc etc ... (for some reason, I can connect to blogger.com)

... and I am completely freaking out! :(

I need to ask people some questions on MSN, check my hotmail, check my gmail, check my facebook (because yes I'm a facebook nut!) ... oh mannn, I feel so disconnected from the world right now! From society!

... Goes to show how reliant I am on the internet. :( :(

Why Liz Can't Work Out

2009-03-30T02:14:00.002+08:00

So I tried working out today, and ho boy ... After working all that sweat, I gave up and looked in the mirror and almost got a shock of my life. Scrawny ponytail, dark circles, puffy cheeks, tired eyes ...
And not to mention, more than one bone started aching after an hour or so ...

I begrudgingly reached for a papaya, not wanting to eat too much, smirking to myself as I remembered how Mario once told me that eating papayas a lot makes the person less horny, and that priests eat a lot of papayas .... wtf.
Such an asshole, but to give him credit, he made me laugh a lot. And I still remember him ... at all sorts of odd times. *sigh*
Why do you still haunt me eh, Mar?

Okay okay, end of pathetic digression. At about 11 o clock ... my tummy started growling and I gave up and ate a nice supper. Which made me come to the conclusion that working out really isn't for me ... *big smile*

Oh, look at the time! It's 3am and I'm finally sleepy ... :) So this blog post served its purpose ... *yawn* I've been chatting with Veen till now, and my head is beginning to feel groggy and woozy ...

P.S. I have a crush ... :))))) butterflies in my stomach and all that jazz. It's very beyond me and really not my style ... heh. But still ... a crush. :))))
will reveal his identity soon, when I'm in the mood for another late-night blogging session.

2009-03-27T20:54:00.002+08:00

I'm sort of stuck in this deli because it's raining really heavily now ... sigh, talk about bad luck. Thank God for wi-fi. And bubble tea. :)

As a continuation from my previous post ... I've been thinking. The human heart is like the weather - ultimately unpredictable, and not within our control ...
When a heart is broken ... there are no surefire ways to mend it. But someday, somehow ... without even realizing it, the pieces of your heart are somehow miraculously threaded back together. Even though it will never be the same again.

Along the way ... someone will make everything better. :) Someone - because I believe that we are social creatures ... to have a heart broken by someone, it'll probably be healed by someone else too.

My heart isn't broken, but it feels quite rusty. Like I haven't been using it in awhile ... sometimes, I want to open up my heart again ... but I remind myself to be careful. To always be careful.

Heartbroken

2009-03-26T00:33:00.004+08:00

"Heartbroken"

one word. three syllables.

I'm not the one who is heartbroken today. but someone is.

it isn't someone I even remotely like. but I was so affected when I read what she had to say. all of a sudden, I feel every fragment of her pain, every twitch of her heart, every numbing emotion. I smell the same betrayal and I taste the same bitterness. just for today, I am in her shoes. I am her. out of nowhere, there are strange tears forming in my eyes and I am blinking them away.

it isn't supposed to be this way.

if a heart is broken, how do you mend it?

Loyalty

2009-03-25T03:00:00.000+08:00

I just reached home from this quaint little outdoor bar in PJ that goes by the name 'Waikiki'. My head feels a little light, but I know that I am not tipsy ... =/

Tonight, amidst all the chill-out music and beer, I was secretly wondering about loyalty. It has been awhile since I am actually dating a specific someone and thus, I haven't pondered about it in a bit.

We all live in such a fickle world, really. But I am a firm believer that loyalty is the fundamental foundation of most friendships, relationships and many things that is worth fighting for ...

Though it may be hard to believe ... I've always been loyal. Even when it's hard ... even when it goes against every instinct in my bone to be so. I have never cheated on anyone, nor have I lied to anyone about someone else ...
Yet ... ah, well.

I don't quite know the purpose of this post. :) It was just something that I was suddenly thinking about. Weird, huh?

Inspiration

2009-03-23T23:22:00.003+08:00

Wanted: Someone to be my muse and inspiration.

At times like, well, tonight ... I want to do many things :) and I want to say many things. But words fail me. I have all these thoughts and ideas bottled up and tucked away somewhere within me ... but I can only stare blankly at my laptop with furrowed eyebrows while Secondhand Serenade is playing in the background.

Ah ... Mr. Inspiration and Mr. Brilliance, why do you elude me so? You tease me ... with your coquettish ways and tantalizing touch, but you never linger long enough to make a difference. :( You let me take a whiff of your sweet scent ... your fingers gently brushes against my skin for one tingly moment ... but you never stay. Sigh.

"Just for this moment, As long as you're mine"

2009-03-22T00:47:00.002+08:00

I'm listening to Wicked's broadway soundtrack over and over again ... I just know that someday I am going to watch this masterpiece on Broadway :) I don't know when or how, though.

I think that the love story between Elphaba and Fiyero is so intense and so tantalizing, yet very tragic, since they were never destined to last from the start ...
You really have to read the book to understand how great the story about the Wicked witch of the West is. When I was a kid, I always held a fascination for the Wizard of the Oz ... :) and this book made me love it all over again.

And this song, As Long as You're Mine, that plays for the first time Elphaba and Fiyero confessed their love for each other is so addictive, for some reason. I keep on imagining actually watching them perform it in real life. Instead of Youtube videos ... :(

***

FIYERO:
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's up that I fell

Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

Such truth in the song ... 'You've got me seeing through different eyes'. You know, I think that we're all searching for someone who makes us see the world in a different light. Ultimately, someone who not only enlightens you, but also inspires you ... :)

Sometimes, that someone may probably not be the person you can hold forever ... but does it matter?
Just for this moment, as long as you're mine ...
I don't think that life should be measured with hours, days or years ... but as long as you tried to cling on to whatever that you have - even if you lose it, so what?

I'm always trying to look for inspiration in the smallest of things ... a funny conversation, ice cream, friendship, hugs and a sense of accomplishment.
And hey - it works. :) Even if nothing lasts forever ... It will never be a regret. =)

<3

2009-03-21T16:57:00.003+08:00

Why I love my partner:

hahaha! I should start a series of blog posts like these ...
seriously, we are damn crappy and bimbotic when we're together. It's getting out of hand, cos we are usually very poised and composed ... (HAHAHA)

Even though we fight a lot - it's always over stupid crap and we always end up bursting out laughing in the end.

I don't really say this a lot, but I'm actually very proud of us =) and how far we've come as a team.

Even though we're so different - May is very organized (though forgetful, haha) and a perfectionist ... while I'm klutzy, clumsy and possibly the most absent-minded person on earth.

She's good at accounting and all those ~~boring~~ details that ensures that everything's running smoothly ... while I'm good with words and conceptualizing.

And that's why like two pieces of a puzzle ... we fit together. And yes, this sounds very gay, but it's not like that okay!

(this is said at a time when we haven't had our first 'serious' fight yet ... haha!)

Insomnia Attacks

2009-03-19T02:16:00.002+08:00

Woe is me, as sleep eludes me ... In times like this, when I'm drifting between reality and dreamland - I want many things. Of which includes random things like a car, a cuddle, dark chocolate, cookies and cream ice cream and McDonalds.

My mind is buzzing and my head is throbbing ... as of 2:19 am - I am:

- drinking a cup of hot milo while munching on digestive biscuits

- reading blogs of random people I do not know

- thinking of someone

- thinking of P.C

- ... while daydreaming :)

- ... and craving IndoMee. Weird.

Mmm ... despite being sleep deprived for approximately 43 hours, I am happy.

2009-03-16T05:45:00.002+08:00

It's 5:46 am now.

I tossed and turned in my bed for an hour. There are all these feelings ... fear? Anxiety? Stress?

But the worst thing is ... I feel helpless.

Helplessness ... my least favorite feeling on earth. :/ I don't like it when things are spinning out of control ... when life throws something at me that leaves me baffled, bewildered and scared. When I don't have a Plan B ... when I have no other defenses, or solutions, and cannot help but cry.

I've always thought of myself as fiercely independent ... I've never been one to rely on other people that much. But today, I realized how dependent I was ... at almost every point in my life, there were people who would offer all sorts of help to me - who would be my support system no matter what crisis I'm facing ...

Except now.

I chose this though. I made *this* choice to be independent ... I *chose* to walk away from certain people who were the ones who were my 'get-out-of-jail' free card ... who had the power to bail me out no matter where I end up.

It's just not very easy. I do realize that there are people who think that I'm stubborn, arrogant, superficial, money-minded and whatnot ...
but really. I'm just a girl who is trying VERY hard (too hard?) to survive in this world.

I think that I'm losing my train of thought and coherence just about now ... someone once told me that he loses his coherence and doesn't know what he's talking about when its too late, and I didn't think that to be possible. Ah well, now I do! I'm typing out all these crap ... and not to mention, I actually feel (and undeniably look) like crap.

So, what happens next? Do I fall asleep on my keyboard? Do I snuggle up into the comforts of my bed and wake up in the morning with no remembrance of this? When I reread this tragic post that reeks of such self-pity and self-indulgence ... will I then hastily delete it? sigh

2009-03-13T00:55:00.000+08:00

Someone smiled at me, and I almost blushed.

Almost ... because Eliza Lee never blushes! Well, I'm pretty composed and cool most of the time. (or so I'd like to deceive myself ... give me a break, ok? )

But I can't deny feeling a blush creeping up my cheek just now ... but of course, I must have hastily snapped myself out of it or something.

I was thinking to myself: OMG Liz maintain sikit please ... this is so not cool!!
And after that, I was very disturbed by that almost-blush ... I'm usually quite indifferent and oblivious to most things. Unless its overly heart-wrenching or just too emo. :)

Okay, don't ask me the purpose of this blog post. It's just one of those 'happy' things that I'd like to remember, I suppose.

2009-03-10T21:00:00.003+08:00

I am in a random quaint little deli now. It's raining ever-so-slightly ... sometimes, I take out my headphones and just stare out the window, listening to the pitter-patter of the raindrops. It's nice... and I just enjoyed a nice meal of mushroom chicken rice. :)

It's one of those moments that I crave solitude very much. When I am alone, I have time to think ... I am nobody else but me and I can be serious, melancholic, sad, hyper, or whatever I want - and not need to explain myself to anyone.

I am actually feeling quite upset today. But I just can't seem to explain it ... words do not seem to suffice. :/ Everything that I type out either sounds too dramatic, or miserably fails to capture the intensity of the situation. My fingers have been lingering over my keyboard for far too long now as my brain hopelessly attempts to concoct coherent sentences to describe what really is ...
But I reckon that maybe its a sign :) maybe some things are better left unsaid.

I try very hard to be tough, composed and confident ... at least on the outside. There are things that I don't like to talk about ... I guess as cliche as it sounds, there are some battles that need to be fought alone. o_O

As I write this now ... the slight drizzle of rain has become somewhat of a thunderstorm. :/ I guess the weather, like life, is unpredictable. You could try so hard to predict the future, or at least, desperately try to cling on to whatever you have of the present ... but some things are not within control :)
like the sudden downpour, a flash of lightning, and the cold drizzly aftermath.

But we can all hope for that ever-so-rare rainbow that occasionally graces the sky after a crazy downpour ...

And if that rainbow doesn't appear ... we'll wait for it.

2009-03-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

I am in Old Town cafe now ... trying to study, but alas, to no avail. :) Le sigh, I am just NOT a "studying" kind of person ... I'm very easily distracted and I always end up scribbling cartoons and nonsense all over my notes when I'm bored.

And the guys in the table beside me are so entertaining, I can't help but to eavesdrop on their conversations and giggle to myself.

"Marley and me is some f*cked up sappy shit, man!"

"Why'd you watch it then?"

"Bro, my girlfriend la ... you know how she is. But seriously, that movie is corny, sappy and f*cked up!"

Tsk ... men.

Speaking of which, I was watching Benjamin Button and boy ... :/ It was really weird for me, 'cos I'd just watched Sex Drive before that, and I was in a giggly amused mood. But Benjamin Button left me staring at the tele with tears brimming in my eyes ... heh. Movies about life, death and tragic love stories never fail to make me sad and all melancholic. :(

Okay, the realization has dawned upon me that I have been staring into space for the past half an hour. And I thought that Old Town cafe would be a really relaxing and quiet place to study, but this particular branch is playing clubbing music ... Sexy Back is playing now, wtf.

I can't help but remember the old days ...

Sex Drive

2009-03-08T00:00:00.002+08:00

Nothing really beats a night of snuggling comfortably into my pillows while watching DVDs on my tele ...
It's the simplicity of it. :) Having no deadlines, nothing to worry about, and no crazy workload ... It would be much better to have someone to watch these dvds with - but hey, I'm not complaining!

(oh right, my exams are next Tuesday ... but don't remind me now!)

I've always preferred watching movies at home with my loved ones ... :) Or at their houses. It's always more comfy, with lots of yummy snacks around, and of course, if you are dating someone, its always much nicer to cuddle in a place more familiar. ;)

Though I'm pretty used to watching movies alone in my room by now ... -_-

But anyway, I was watching Sex Drive, and I liked it. :) Overused plot, but pretty good delivery - or so I think! Josh Zuckerman was really cute with his vulnerability and niceness, while Seth Green's sarcasm was hilarious ...

Alright, gonna go watch Curious Case of Benjamin Button now ... I'm really expecting myself to be blown away, so I hope that my expectations aren't too high. :)

***
Currently listening to: Sixth Sense - Tak Bisa Memilihmu

Hello Again :)

2009-03-07T21:50:00.003+08:00

On a whim, I've deleted all my older posts. :) So impulsive, sigh.
But there's nothing better than a fresh start! I've been MIA from my virtual diary for so long now ... but I've always loved blogging. I reconsidered removing my current layout / hits counter etc etc ... but oh well! There is a strange sense of comfort in the familiar ... *nostalgic*

I've been really busy for the past couple of months (hence the lack of updates) ... but I reckon that I'll at least try to update this lil' space of mine from time to time.

So, I'll just sum up what I've been up to for the past couple of months! Long post ahead! (to make up for lost time ... )

Phat Culture:

Phat Culture at Threadszoo, Capsquare :) Early December 2008

Phat Culture at the Fleur De Lis Bazaar ... late December :) We shared a booth with Sze Keong and Aaron, our good friends behind Tees4you!

Yup, the business is one of those things that has been sucking up my time ... but its worth every second. :) I've learned a lot about partnership, perseverance and passion ... many things of which I have been pretty clueless about!

I'd have to thank my partner May for being so supportive, and for being so fun to work with! The cool thing about us is that we're SO different, but we stick with each other through thick and thin ...

Plus, we've never really been "fashionistas" neither are we really vain in real life ... so being in this industry was SO tricky for us. But things are looking up for us. =)

Penang Trip:

I spent New Year's eve in sunny ole' Penang ... :) great company, good food! I initially had mixed feelings about being in Penang ... but I still ended up having a good time. My god, I miss the beach. *sigh*

Chinese New Year Gathering:

Feeling bored, I threw a CNY potluck ... pretty random, but I suppose that being random is what I'm good at. Wtf.
It was pretty fun though! One of those days that I realize how important the people in my life are to me, and how much I love them.

Jaclyn, who is like a sister to me ... =) Always and forever!
May, whom I once hardly spoke to but is now one of my best friends.
Suet, who is always there for me when I need to whine about anything...
John, who makes me laugh :P And is one of the coolest people I know, and yes, a great friend!
Andrew, who is ... Andrew. wtf. Well, that just means you're too unique for words, Drew!
Joshua, who turned out to be pretty cool ... *sheepish grin* Well, not that I didn't think you were cool before ... but, you just didn't turn out to be who I thought / expected you to be? In a good way!

Sze Keong's Birthday:

First off - Happy Birthday, boy! I never really knew you that well before I started PhatCulture, and you started Tees4you ... but I'm glad that we had the opportunity to get to know each other better. :) Hope you had a great 21st! And sorry for taking so many pictures until it looks like Elizabeth's or my birthday instead of yours ...

The party was kinda ... crazy, to say the least. In a good way? I always feel like grinning whenever I think of it, wtf.

-----

And ohhhhhh - did I mention that I've finally gotten my own DSLR? :D Which sort of inspired the urge to blog again, really. :)
Unfortunately, unlike those many months ago ... I don't have so much free time to go around exploring various places and taking (noobish) pictures anymore. :( But I will try! *determined*

Portfolio

2009-01-03T17:25:00.000+08:00

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

About Me

2009-01-03T16:49:00.001+08:00

I'm not a fan of writing self-descriptions ... but here's a lame attempt at writing one, just for kicks.

I'd describe myself as a mystery ... an enigma that (many) people have tried figuring out, but yet, can't quite truly understand. :)

I have many contradictory qualities and beliefs ... I am a loner yet a social animal, quiet yet outspoken, a wanderer yet homely. (well, sometimes!) I'm easily intrigued, and when I "discover" a sudden passion or love, I'd pursue it very aggressively, till the point of it being an unhealthy obsession. ;) But don't let that scare you!

I've always had a keen interest in writing and photography ... and I'd like to believe that someday, I might be able to do something related to either one, or both, for a living.

picture credits to fatboiphotography

I've recently discovered a growing intrigue and passion for fashion ... which is somewhat odd, because for most of my friends who have known me for awhile, they'd know that I'm completely geeky and always splurge on techie stuff and books. :) Part of my growing love is due to PhatCulture.com, a pet project of mine. My partner is May, who is great in many ways and someone I love working with.

I love traveling. :) I love the thrill of being somewhere new, where I can meet all sorts of different people ...
And yes, I am exactly the type of person who'd chat gaily with strangers I meet in random places.

And oh, I am 21 this year, and I still have no idea what I truly want to do in life ... what else is new?

You can contact me at elizalee100[at]hotmail.com. :)