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Thursday, December 10, 2009


I believe that there are many defining moments in life that shake us so hard, we're involuntarily (or voluntarily?) shaped by these moments. These moments stun us into a resigned submission of Fate, or alternatively, push us to rebel, survive and strive to change.

I think that I have had many such moments in my life. I barely think about them anymore, though a conversation with May led me to think about them again.


One such moment was when I was in Form 1, during a carnival that my school held.
Let me digress a lil'. When I was 13, I had no self-confidence, and my self-esteem was bare ... I'd hardly spoken to a boy before, and though I rarely thought about it, I *knew* I was quite bad-looking. You'd think that it wouldn't matter at such a young age ... but trust me, high school was a time when if people thought you were a freak, they'd find a way to let you know it.



Okay, digression over. The school carnival. Yes.


My high school was an all-girls school (No, not many of us has had a lesbian experience) and the carnival was a fund-raiser, or so I recall ...
our school hall was transformed into a 'disco' - a fact I wasn't aware of. All my friends wanted to go in, and I really didn't want to ... partially because I was dressed in our school's baggy sports tee and horrendous blue track pants, and also 'cause the idea was very scary, foreign and nauseating for someone like me.


So we went in anyway,
and to the 13-year-old me, I felt like I was a lost wanderer in space who'd just landed on some unknown planet with freaky creatures that were swaying really close to each other. There were girls dancing on the stage, and a really popular girl from another class was dancing in between two guys from La Salle, the all-boys school that was our supposed "brother" school.

It felt really weird to see all these random boys come up to my friends and ask them to dance (though they probably don't remember this by now, haha) ... and all this, I observed from the back of the hall, as I nervously clutched my bag with wide eyes. I remember feeling very lost, and I remember thinking 'someone like me REALLY doesn't belong here' ...


Over the years, my friends grew prettier, and the number of boys that tried to court them grew (with some trying to get to know them through befriending me, wtf), I was still chubby, reserved and I could barely talk to a guy without stammering. I had the most God-awful hair ever, and I remember walking past a bunch of 'cool' girls, who laughed and sneered at me, hissing 'grow up, girl' into my ear as I walked past them. :/

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